week 7, wednesday

[vigilantics]

[ oh how the turnstables

anyway, they are now at belph's room. she will set the pot down carefully before turning her attention to him. ]

Let me see the injuries.

Comments

[vigilantics]

I think... this place brings out the worst in you, in a lot of ways.

[ it forces you to do things you wouldn't otherwise. even the concept of voting is still murder, it's just that you didn't hold strike the blow personally. ]

It's almost over.

[axilium]

... A leader is not supposed to cry. A leader is not supposed to show weakness. A leader is supposed to be ruthless. That was what I was told.

[he lets out a laugh, weak and unstable.]

But I never wanted to be that kind of leader to begin with.

[all he'd wanted to do as a child was help people—but that came to a swift end, when he realized that his family was why they were suffering in the first place.]

... It's funny, you know? A part of me feels like, regardless of anything else, I should go back. I made a promise to him, after all, even if my wish here means I no longer need to uphold it.

[he knows he's rambling now, but—]

In spite of everything... he's my only family.

[all that awaits him back home is despair; furthermore, he has no real desire to see him again. still, the thought of disappearing without a word leaves him feeling guilty. for all that the man deliberately ruined his life, belph knows that in his own way, his uncle does love him.

... ha. how messed up.]

[vigilantics]

He's not your family.

[ she gets it. not entirely, of course, but she gets what it's like to have your family be someone terrible, but you still feel obligated to them because of that bond. but-- ]

A couple of weeks ago, Evan and I were telling each other about our parents. And when he found out about my dad, he was like, "Why don't you just stop thinking of him as your dad?" And I was just... floored by it? It's not something that you can just do overnight. There's no on and off switch for cutting away all your feelings about someone. But... I do get what he means. You don't owe him anything, Belph. He raised you, but you were wrong. He doesn't own you. Not anymore.

[axilium]

[...

he tilts his head, smiling.]

To be honest... nowadays, I think I pity him more than I hate him. [...] My dad was the world to him. I get the feeling he's trying to find him in me—in which case, he's chasing after something he can never get back.

[no matter how similar he and his father may be—in ways that his uncle didn't wish they were, probably—he's no one else but himself. for better, or for worse.]

While he's a terrible person, I've never wished any harm against him and I don't think I ever will. We just... want very different things out of life.

[really, belph just wants for his uncle to live his life, and for him to have the right to live his own.]

[vigilantics]

That doesn't mean you have to go back to him. He can do whatever he wants on his own. Without you.

[ she very, very distinctly remembers belph admitting that he would probably kill himself if he went back home. ]

What happened then... and here... isn't all that there is for you.

[axilium]

[...

he doesn't say anything to that. honestly, ever since the well granted his wish? his life here has been nothing but a tool to ensure a happy ending for everyone else. at this point, he doesn't know if he can even fathom living beyond this—what else there is to him.]

[vigilantics]

[ at least, she knows that it's going to take a long time for him to start believing otherwise. ]

You'll see, Belph.