week 7, wednesday

[vigilantics]

[ oh how the turnstables

anyway, they are now at belph's room. she will set the pot down carefully before turning her attention to him. ]

Let me see the injuries.

Comments

[axilium]

I don't know what happened, but it looks like Sanji and Akechi got rather attached.

[vigilantics]

And you didn't?

[axilium]

Trying to play therapist to some brat was pretty tedious.

[but there's still something to be said about feeling like someone died because you couldn't save them.]

[vigilantics]

That wouldn't make it any less upsetting...

[ belph. you're covered in his blood? ]

[axilium]

[he

just shrugs?? he also won't mention that the kid's issues hit a little close to home, on top of everything else this week.]

[vigilantics]

[ she goes quiet after that, but after a couple of minutes she talks again. ]

You know, my last relationship went badly because we didn't talk to each other? At least, I tried to tell him stuff, but he wouldn't do the same. He was the kind of guy who thought he could handle everything by himself, so he would sometimes get into these big messes because he refused to go to someone else for help. And one time, something like that happened again, and the person he looked up to the most went to me for help. We sort of went behind my ex's back and I betrayed his trust. That was pretty much the end of our relationship. I didn't see him again after that until like, super recently.

[ there's a point to this, hold on. ]

I'm not saying that you have to like... give all of the gory details. But if you're even a little upset, it's okay to just say so, instead of acting like it doesn't bother you at all.

[axilium]

[... ha.

he just smiles. mildly,]

My last relationship—if you can even call it that—went badly because I deliberately convinced her I murdered her best friend.

[this, uh, might explain a lot about the way belph approaches relationships.]

[vigilantics]

[ you know, she was expecting him to say something along the lines of "yeah, i'm a little bummed at what happened to the kid," if he decided to share anything and not. this? this was not very high on the list of things she expected him to say.

this does, in fact, explain some things though. ]

... I know I literally just said I would not ask any details, but...

[ this is literally the worst cliffhanger of all time. ]

[axilium]

I needed her to hate me and that was the most efficient way.

[this is probably not much better.]

[vigilantics]

[ it's really not. ]

And she believed you?

[axilium]

I wouldn't have gone down that route if it was an unbelievable lie.

[vigilantics]

[ her gaze flickers from belph then back to the ink, before settling on the ground. she remember what he said about basically selling himself to his uncle. ]

What happened?

[axilium]

What part do you mean?

[vigilantics]

[ she's not sure what to ask, but she eventually settles. ]

With her?

[axilium]

We parted ways. Her story ends happily, at least.

[... he made sure of that here.]

[vigilantics]

[ steph can't say that she cares too much that this girl is happy when belph isn't, but she has enough sense to not voice that thought. ]

... so, why? Why did she need to hate you?

[axilium]

[as far as belph's concerned, it's perfectly fine that he damned himself to a lifetime of misery as long as she could be safe?? this is fine???]

... Because otherwise, she might've tried to help me.

[and part of him wishes she had—that she hadn't given up on him. but she missed his clues, so... it was better to let her go.]

[vigilantics]

[ that makes her look back up at him. he has said a lot of concerning things over the past few weeks, but somehow, this just breaks her heart the most. ]

Belph... you deserve a chance to be happy.

[axilium]

[that only serves to twist his smile.]

... Three friends.

[three real friends over the course of his life.]

My uncle forced one of them to spy on me, because he knew I'd never carry out my orders otherwise; the second, I betrayed because of said orders. Then, she was the last—and he knew that her safety would be the ultimate bargaining chip against me.

... Even when I promised to do whatever he said, he still had her abducted.

[so in return, belph used the only card left he had at his disposal. the biggest threat he could make, that his uncle couldn't possibly ignore.]

Apparently, associating with me has only ever screwed people over. [...] My family rules the entire world, Steph—or what's left of it, at least. There's nowhere to run from him.

[vigilantics]

Then you're coming home with me.

[ she knows that he said that's only possible if they have enough ink for it, but it's still said firmly. ]

I know that won't fix everything that happened to you. I'm not really sure if there's anything that can fix that kind of hurt. But you deserve a chance at... something. Anything. Because you're really not the terrible person that you seem to think that you are. You've done bad things, and you've had bad things happen to you, but... you're not bad, Belph.

[axilium]

[he doesn't want to get his hopes up. and...]

To be honest, with every week that passes here, I think I recognize myself less and less.

[not in a good sort of way, either.]

[vigilantics]

I think... this place brings out the worst in you, in a lot of ways.

[ it forces you to do things you wouldn't otherwise. even the concept of voting is still murder, it's just that you didn't hold strike the blow personally. ]

It's almost over.

[axilium]

... A leader is not supposed to cry. A leader is not supposed to show weakness. A leader is supposed to be ruthless. That was what I was told.

[he lets out a laugh, weak and unstable.]

But I never wanted to be that kind of leader to begin with.

[all he'd wanted to do as a child was help people—but that came to a swift end, when he realized that his family was why they were suffering in the first place.]

... It's funny, you know? A part of me feels like, regardless of anything else, I should go back. I made a promise to him, after all, even if my wish here means I no longer need to uphold it.

[he knows he's rambling now, but—]

In spite of everything... he's my only family.

[all that awaits him back home is despair; furthermore, he has no real desire to see him again. still, the thought of disappearing without a word leaves him feeling guilty. for all that the man deliberately ruined his life, belph knows that in his own way, his uncle does love him.

... ha. how messed up.]

[vigilantics]

He's not your family.

[ she gets it. not entirely, of course, but she gets what it's like to have your family be someone terrible, but you still feel obligated to them because of that bond. but-- ]

A couple of weeks ago, Evan and I were telling each other about our parents. And when he found out about my dad, he was like, "Why don't you just stop thinking of him as your dad?" And I was just... floored by it? It's not something that you can just do overnight. There's no on and off switch for cutting away all your feelings about someone. But... I do get what he means. You don't owe him anything, Belph. He raised you, but you were wrong. He doesn't own you. Not anymore.

[axilium]

[...

he tilts his head, smiling.]

To be honest... nowadays, I think I pity him more than I hate him. [...] My dad was the world to him. I get the feeling he's trying to find him in me—in which case, he's chasing after something he can never get back.

[no matter how similar he and his father may be—in ways that his uncle didn't wish they were, probably—he's no one else but himself. for better, or for worse.]

While he's a terrible person, I've never wished any harm against him and I don't think I ever will. We just... want very different things out of life.

[really, belph just wants for his uncle to live his life, and for him to have the right to live his own.]